Inventing Myself at Thirty-Three: Ditching the People-Pleasing Script

Discovering the joy of my own authentic voice

It’s my birthday today, as I surround myself with just opened gifts and cards filled with love from all my close ones this morning, it feels like a perfectly good day to talk about self-love. As Blink-182 famously sang, "Nobody likes you when you’re (thirty)-three," so I better start figuring out how to like myself, maybe even love myself. Just in case…

I’ve always struggled with self-love and confidence. Compliments make me squirm; in response I’ll crack a joke or pull a face just to deflect the attention. It’s almost automatic, someone says something nice, and I immediately try to make light of it, as if I don’t deserve it or as if accepting it would make me seem arrogant. The truth is, I’ve never really known how to accept love, especially from myself.

However, my default has always been to pour love outward, to make sure everyone else is okay. Because I never really learned how to love myself or accept love from others; I’d put myself at the bottom of the list, running on empty just to keep everyone else happy. Deep down, it was all about a fear of abandonment, I thought if I could keep everyone happy, they’d stick around. But it is exhausting.

I've always been the person who will say yes to everything and anything, that I don't advocate for my own needs, I bear my own discomfort in order to not make somebody else uncomfortable. However, this is my year to stop doing that! So, as I enter another year of life, I'm on the journey of learning to set better boundaries, prioritise my own well-being, and discover what brings me joy, not what I think will bring others' validation.

It took me a long time to realise that being a people pleaser; never saying no, always putting others first… wasn’t just hurting me. It was also unfair to the people I cared about. By hiding behind a wall and refusing to accept help or love, I wasn’t letting anyone see the real me. And if I expect honesty and support from others, I have to be willing to show up as myself too.

People-pleasing is a trap where we lie, often unknowingly, sacrificing our well-being to manage how others see us. This stems from a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy, leading to burnout and a lack of authentic connection. We're so focused on saying 'yes' to gain approval that we lose sight of our own needs, forgetting that…

'If I can't trust your no, I can't trust your yes.'

That’s the spiral I fell into almost all my life, giving so much of myself away that there was nothing left for me. I realised that if I kept going down this path, I’d end up completely burnt out, resentful, and still feeling empty. So, I made some really tough decisions to make a real change. I started living alone for the first time in my life. It was terrifying, not because I didn’t know how to be independent but because I had no one dependent on me and that was unnatural. There was no one to distract me from my own thoughts, no one to take care of except myself, I was forced to… look after myself? It was unheard of but that’s exactly what I needed. I had to learn how to be my own priority, to actually listen to what I needed and wanted, and to give myself permission to put myself first.

Here are a few things I’ve added to my routine that have helped me start to build my relationship with myself:

• Affirmations: Every day, I take a moment to recognise my strengths. I say things to myself like, “You handled that situation well,” or “You are resilient.” It feels awkward and uncomfortable, but I’m learning to give myself the recognition I’ve always craved from others.

• Pampering days: I used to think pampering was selfish or indulgent, but now I see it as necessary. Sometimes that means cooking myself a great meal, just for me. Other times, it’s a long bath, a face mask, or just curling up with a book. These small acts remind me that I’m worth taking care of.

• Solo dates: I used to wait for someone else to invite me out or make plans. Now, I take myself out to the cinema or a restaurant, no company needed. Which was surprisingly something I felt peaceful and now I look forward to these little adventures. It’s empowering to enjoy my own company and not rely on others for my happiness.

• Setting higher standards and boundaries: This has been the hardest but most important change. I’m not dating, and I’m giving less time to people who don’t give me the same in return. I’m learning to say no without feeling guilty, and to protect my energy. It’s not about shutting people out, but about making sure I’m not constantly running on empty.

Through all of this, I’ve realised I don’t deserve to be hidden away, always cleaning up after everyone else and only being picked up when it’s convenient for others. I deserve more. So I’ve started standing up for myself and putting myself first. It’s not always easy, and I still have days where I slip back into old habits, but I’m making progress.

A few days ago, I had a really tough conversation with a life coach that completely caught me off guard. She asked me questions I wasn’t prepared for like, “Why do you think you’re not enough?” and “Why do you think you have to be perfect?” For someone who thought they were making real progress, I suddenly found myself speechless, realising how deep some of these beliefs still run.

She recommended I read The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters, which is all about recognising your inner critic (or ‘chimp’) and learning to respond with kinder words and affirmations, reminding yourself that, at the end of the day, you’re only human. This is still one of my biggest challenges. I’m learning that breaking free from people-pleasing and perfectionism isn’t a straight line; it’s a journey with plenty of uncomfortable questions and setbacks. But if you’re finding it hard too, just know you’re not alone. We’re all figuring this out together, one honest conversation at a time.

Despite this, I’m proud of how far I’ve already come, I’ve learnt that self-love isn’t about being perfect or never needing anyone. It’s about accepting myself, flaws and all, and believing that I am enough, just as I am. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell can you love anybody else?” And I’m finally starting to believe it and I’m excited to what is out there for me as I turn another year older and (hopefully) wiser.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. It means the world to me to know that you’re here, and I truly hope that sharing my journey is helping someone out there feel a little less alone. If you’ve got your own story or thoughts to share, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Let’s support each other and grow together.

If this resonated with you, subscribe to keep following along on this journey. Let’s figure it out together. You’re not alone, and you are enough.

In a while, crocodile. 🐊